Sunday, May 1st

Slept in til 11:00, so I had to call Colby and cancel my exercise session. I'm so stupid. Besides the waste of money (a lot!), I'm sabotaging myself. But it sure feels great to lay in bed half awake. The more I think about it (and observe myself), the more I see that I'm avoiding life/feeling. I don't want to do anything unless I feel some pressure to get it done. Then afterwards, I have that good checked-off the list feeling. Took Ernie to LO dog park & trails. Thought about switching to the Mittleman gym sooner rather than in July. I'm just itching to spend money. Jesus. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a little, tiny bit depressed. After working for Nena, I got some little projects done, plus a 2nd walk for Ernie. I'd say the afternoon and evening went well. I'm definately uncomfortable with unfilled time and not motivated enough to work out at the gym. Going to miss MMA again this week due to long work day and Mt. Hood strike support. Thought alot about how I don't really have any exciting goals to push me along. It's wierd. Talking Ernie for a walk (or two) is wonderful in itself, but taking me to MMA or the gym is hard to find the energy / discipline. Seems like I need some kind of reward or something exciting besides just feeling myself get stronger, more flexible, more coordinated. I wish I felt about myself (my body) the way I felt about Ernie's body.