Monday, May 30th

Have missed posting my journal thoughts: Friday, I went back to sparring. Yay. Signed up with MJCC. They even have an MMA trainer. Yay. But I didn't go back this morning, cuz I didn't wake up til 9:30 and then I had to sit around and drink coffee. Then it was time to go to my appt with Mark. Been sleeping better with some New Seasons melatonin / GABA / amino acids stuff. Was working well- fell asleep during Jay Leno for a few days. Then...haven't been able to fall asleep Fri, Sat or Sun. Just took two pills. Please work! Started my story with Mark. Am looking forward to telling it, except the sex parts. But even that part will be okay.

Disconnection / lack of social support p. 61 - 73

Very helpful to read thru--- anything that could have upset my recovery did. It's well outlined by Dr. Herman, the author. She really explains well how the guilt and inferiority arise (p. 61) out of trauma. "Traumatic events...overwhelm individual competence. No matter how brave or resourceful...her actions were insuff to ward off disaster. In the aftermath of traumatic events, as survivors review and judge their own conduct, feelings of guilt and inferiority are practically universal."

I love reading that! Another piece of validation. Probably, I could have never gotten this kind of validation back in 1983 because the research hadn't been done yet.

May 13, 2011

Realized today that I do, indeed, know my daily "baseline". It's what I've been experiencing since Dave got arrested, I guess. I'm talking about the sleep too much, guilt & regret and new promises never to do it again. Basically, I've been living 6 months without any other addictions (i.e. love, relationships) except food and now I realize THIS is my norm at 80 mg prozac. My "norm" is to sleep too much, regret it, make new promises, then start the cycle again. It's some kind of low-grade depression that I've experienced for many years. I just don't have a boyfriend to provide a distraction from myself (i.e. my low-grade depression).

I feel better having identified this today. I feel like I'm closer to being the person I want to be- fit, healthy, pursing my life in a balanced manner. We'll see what happens next. Yay!

some other thoughts

Mark thought I was rolling my eyes at him! How surprising, especially since it's not something I do regularly, or if I do, it's clear what I'm rolling them at. He seems so sweet (and human). It was a bit endearing, tho very off the mark.

We talked about "re-enactment", which made me a little teary, but not bad. I felt inarticulate and awkward. I couldn't explain myself well, but I'm perfectly okay with that. It will resolve itself eventually.

Wed, May 4th

Tomorrow I'll have 18 years sobriety. That life is truly a world away. Got up at 9:00almost on the dot this morning. Felt well rested and ready to get up. Did not ever want to sleep in. Amazing. Maybe it's the result of last week's Reiki treatment. Who knows? It doesn't matter anyhow.

Tuesday, May 3rd

Set alarm for 8:00am last night. At 8:00, I turned it off and went back to sleep. Ernie was snuggled up against my lower back and it was sooooo comfortable. Vaguely listening to Jeff and mom talk about the cat. At some point, they wanted me to wake up, but I didn't want to. Kept my door open so I could have some outside noises. Didn't want to disappear completely,. Slept until 10:00. Didn't feel as guilty as usual. Was gonna work for Nena. Oh well. I'll do on Thurs.

Went to lunch, then work at ELS. First class should be great. Upper intermediate and advanced speakers learning about American hx and culture starting in the 1900's. Next class is low-level conversation. Book isn't that great and I had to think on my feet to fill the entire hour.

Got home tired and little grumpy. Once again felt like too much work, not enuf money. I was excited to plan for the amer culture class. I even picked up The Jungle by Upton Sinclair at my local library. Drank two cups of coffee and ended up researching the book and the time period. Didn't even get to conver class or my LS which is tomorrow.

Hope I fall asleep.

Monday, May 2nd

Planned to get up at 8:00am. Shut off alarm and went back to sleep until 10ish. Not the end of the world. Got Ernie a short walk and made myself a small dinner for between classes. At one point, I sat on the edge of the bed and felt unloved and lost. It was only for a second, but I suppose I should pay attention to these feelings instead of avoiding them thru activity. Later, I realized that I really need to "sit with" my feelings, or I'll never be able to identify them, soothe myself and move on. I had to do this after I quit drinking too. It's possible :-)